We need to examine the spells that hypnotize us and break them when they hinder us.我们需要检查使我们着迷的咒语,并在它们阻碍我们时破坏它们。 Spells are words, deeds and judgements that go unquestioned, undigested and unchallenged.咒语是毫无疑问,未被消化和不受挑战的言语,行为和判断。 It could be a doctor informing you that you have three months to live, a friend saying your marriage won't work, your mind telling you that you will never find success, or an astrologer saying that your future is doomed.可能是医生通知您您有三个月的生命,一个朋友说您的婚姻行不通,您的思想告诉您您永远找不到成功,或者是占星家说您的未来注定要失败。 They fuse with our unconscious mind and are the root cause of some of our heaviest life patterns.它们与我们的潜意识融合在一起,是我们某些最沉重的生活方式的根本原因。

At a societal level we become hypnotized by the news, becoming obsessed by the issue of the day.在社会层面上,我们被新闻迷住了,对今天的问题着迷。 Pro or anti, who's right and who's wrong?赞成还是反对,谁对谁错? A mob mentality can form because people unquestioningly parrot the opinions fed to them by the media.之所以会形成暴民的心态,是因为人们毫无疑问地会歪曲媒体提供给他们的意见。



At a micro level we may tell ourselves that our mother and father ruined our lives.从微观上讲,我们可能会告诉自己,我们的父母毁了我们的生活。 On the first weekend of my first group therapy training, a woman did a role play in which she shrieked abuse at the participant playing her mother.在我的首次团体治疗培训的第一个周末,一位女士扮演了角色扮演,在扮演母亲的参与者中尖叫虐待。 Her pain was visceral, her anger was magnificent.她的内心痛苦,愤怒极了。 I was impressed by her ability to plumb the depths of her history.她深刻探究她历史的能力给我留下了深刻的印象。 However, at the end of two years of group work she was still trotting out the same fury, and her belief that her mother was the architect of her misfortune had not altered one bit.但是,在小组工作的两年结束时,她仍然狂奔不已,她对母亲是不幸的建筑师的信念并没有改变。

We need to experience our anger, hurt and betrayals, but if at some point we are unable to move on from our screaming child inside and integrate them with our internal adult, the pain will hold us endlessly in its thrall.我们需要经历愤怒,伤害和背叛,但是如果在某个时候我们无法摆脱尖叫的孩子进入内部并将其与内部成年人融为一体,那么痛苦将无休止地困扰着我们。 We might gain temporary relief and catharsis, but we'll never truly break the spell.我们可能会获得暂时的缓解和宣泄,但我们永远不会真正打破魔咒。

When we blame parents or politicians, we are powerless in the face of a spell.当我们责怪父母或政客时,面对咒语,我们无能为力。 We need to face our history and patterning with an open mind and heart and be willing to reframe our future.我们需要以开放的思想和胸怀面对历史和格局,并愿意重塑我们的未来。 As a child, we had few choices, but as adults we have to find our way into responsibility, understanding, acceptance and a willingness to move on.小时候,我们别无选择,但是成年后,我们必须找到责任,理解,接受和继续前进的道路。


The language we use around mental health is particularly potent and casts far-reaching spells.我们在心理健康方面使用的语言特别有效,并会产生深远的影响。 To be told by a doctor, a person of power, someone you trust implicitly, that you are “schizophrenic” or “bipolar”, have a “depressive” or “trauma-related illness”, is to permanently affect your image of yourself.由医生告诉您,一个有权力的人,您暗中信任的人,您是“精神分裂症”或“双相情感障碍”,患有“抑郁症”或“创伤相关疾病”,将永久性地影响您的自我形象。 This is a profound theme at the Compassionate Mental Health gatherings.这是富有同情心的精神健康聚会的一个深刻主题。 Many of the facilitators there had received a mental health diagnosis.那里的许多主持人都接受了心理健康诊断。 They had often unconsciously embraced the terminology given to them by their doctors or psychiatrists and become the very essence of schizophrenia or bipolar or multiple personality disorder, almost as if, once labelled, they transformed into the dictionary definition of their “illness” and had little insight into how to reclaim their noble selves.他们常常不知不觉地接受了医生或精神病医生给他们的术语,并成为精神分裂症或躁郁症或多发性人格障碍的本质,几乎就像一旦被贴上标签,便变成了“疾病”的字典定义,几乎没有洞悉如何收回自己的崇高自我。


At an early meeting I attended, one of the presenters invited all of us to refuse to use labels around mental ill health.在我参加的一个早期会议上,一位主持人邀请我们所有人拒绝使用有关精神疾病的标签。 I ran a workshop called “Telling Our Stories”, where I encouraged participants to tell the uncensored version of their lives with the intention of meeting them with love and acceptance, wherever they may be.我举办了一个名为“讲述我们的故事”的讲习班,在此我鼓励参与者告诉他们未经审查的生活,以期使他们无论身在何处都充满爱与接纳。 As I listened to them share their rawest and most painful stories, crucially当我听他们分享最原始和最痛苦的故事时 没有标签或解释 房间里的每个人都对他们充满了希望和乐观,并且一些强大的咒语被大大削弱了。

One man who had been labelled sexually abusive by a professional was able to recognize that this was untrue, and the terrible weight that he'd carried for years, thinking that he was a monster, had lightened in a moment.一个被专业人士贴上性虐待标签的男人能够认识到这是不正确的,而他多年来一直背负着可怕的重量,以为自己是个怪物,却在一瞬间就减轻了。 He became someone who could look people in the eyes and dare to speak his complex truth, knowing he would be met with compassion.他成为一个可以看着别人的眼睛,敢于说出他复杂的真理的人,知道他会遇到同情心。

We are so keen to categorize.我们是如此热衷于分类。 We rarely realize that to declare someone schizophrenic often means adding an extra layer of weight on top of whatever struggle is going on inside them.我们很少意识到,宣布某人患有精神分裂症通常意味着在他们内部正在进行的任何斗争之上增加额外的负担。 Labels are not useless – used with the right intention they do not have to cast spells.标签不是没有用的-正确使用它们并不一定要施法。 But what I am pointing out is that by creating a box to fit something in, and shutting someone in that box, there is little room for ever getting free.但是我要指出的是,通过创建一个可以容纳某些东西的盒子并关闭该盒子中的某人,获得免费的余地很小。


Oscar's behaviour was weird and his relationships lacked boundaries.奥斯卡的行为很奇怪,他的关系也没有界限。 He would make inappropriate comments to women.他会对女性发表不恰当的评论。 He would fall asleep in the therapy room while someone else was working.当其他人在工作时,他会在治疗室里入睡。 His feedback was long, rambling and disconnected.他的反馈很长,杂乱无章。 He was so desperate to be liked that he presented a false, people-pleasing persona, again and again.他非常渴望被别人喜欢,以至于他一次又一次地表现出一种虚假的,令人愉悦的角色。 He smiled a lot, even if he was disengaged.即使他脱离了,他也笑了很多。

During the course of one of my groups Oscar was diagnosed with ADHD.在我的一个小组中,奥斯卡被诊断出患有多动症。 He was palpably relieved.他松了一口气。 At last, there was an identifiable reason he did what he did!最后,有一个明显的原因他做了他所做的!

“我有多动症,”他微笑着,好像一切都很好。 The group were having none of it.这群人一无所有。 They refused to let him hide behind his label, meeting his excuses with an unshakeable wall of tough love.他们拒绝让他躲在自己的标签后面,以坚不可摧的坚硬爱情墙为他辩解。

This was hard on Oscar.这对奥斯卡来说很难。 He kicked and screamed, and almost left the group.他踢了起来,尖叫着,几乎离开了小组。 He felt he'd been given a free pass with his diagnosis.他觉得他的诊断得到了免费通行证。 His behavioural traits had become justified.他的行为特征已变得合理。 He had tantrums, he got angry, he cried, he was self-pitying.他发脾气,他生气,他哭了,他很自负。 None of it worked.没有一个起作用。

This is not a criticism of an ADHD diagnosis.这不是对ADHD诊断的批评。 In Oscar's case he was using it to disclaim responsibility for his actions.在奥斯卡的案子中,他使用它来否认自己的行为负责。 The group fought long and hard to engage with him for who he is, and to challenge him to make the learnings that were necessary in order to hold himself to account.小组为与他的身份进行长期而艰苦的交往,并挑战他进行必要的学习以使自己承担责任。 To give Oscar credit, over time, he tentatively released his label.为了赢得奥斯卡奖,他随着时间的推移暂时释放了自己的品牌。 By the end of the year, he had made the choice to take himself on.到今年年底,他已经选择了继续前进。

He began to recognize the moment of activation of his blame pattern.他开始认识到自己的责备模式被激活的时刻。 Rather than try to be liked, he forced himself to be more real.他没有试图被别人喜欢,而是强迫自己变得更加真实。 He would catch himself and refrain from speaking the inappropriate comment.他会抓紧自己,避免发表不恰当的评论。 Interestingly, and seemingly coincidentally, his marriage also improved, and although Oscar couldn't correlate the two, it was clear to me that what goes on in the group also manifests in the outside world.有趣的是,似乎是巧合的是,他的婚姻也得到了改善,尽管奥斯卡无法将两者联系起来,但对我来说,很明显,该团体中发生的事情也体现在外界。



Denise was in her early sixties when she joined one of my groups.丹妮丝(Denise)六十多岁时加入了我的一个小组。 She constantly smiled.她不断微笑。 According to her, everything was fine and dandy.据她说,一切都很好,花花公子。 She insisted that life was easy and working well.她坚持认为生活很轻松,工作得很好。 Negativity didn't get a look in.负面因素没有引起关注。

She was highly attractive as a teenager, and still is, and had enjoyed her looks and sexuality, having many relationships and two marriages.她在十几岁时就非常有吸引力,现在依然如此,并且喜欢她的外表和性生活,有很多人际关系和两次婚姻。 In the early stages of the group she showed up as flirtatious and full of bonhomie.在小组的早期阶段,她表现为轻浮,充满善意。 She was seductive, often giggling and speaking in a feathery and soft vocal intonation (especially when speaking to the men).她很诱人,经常咯咯地笑着,以羽毛般柔和的语调说话(特别是在与男人说话时)。 She usually wore provocative clothing.她通常穿着挑衅的衣服。

She was driven by her sexuality.她受到性欲的驱使。 She naturally charmed and seduced people, which brought her a temporary sense of power and engagement.她很自然地吸引和诱惑着人们,这给她带来了暂时的力量和参与感。 However, in my opinion, allowing her sexy sub-personality to take the lead meant she avoided any dialogue that might have depth and didn't have to truly engage with others.但是,在我看来,让她性感的次要人物担任领导角色意味着她避免了任何可能有深度的对话,而不必与他人真正互动。 There was so much more to her than that.她所能做的比这还多。

“I love being sexy and I love having sex,” she used to say.她曾经说:“我喜欢性感,也喜欢做爱。” But as we age, the currency of our sexuality becomes, of necessity, less important.但是随着年龄的增长,性别的重要性变得越来越不重要。 Something in her must have known that she needed to find alternative avenues.她的某些事​​情一定知道她需要寻找其他途径。

Her marriages were unhappy because sex can only carry you so far.她的婚姻很不幸,因为性生活只能将你带走。 Her husbands were strong men, whom she supported loyally, but both were threatened by her power and intelligence.她的丈夫是强壮的男人,她一直忠实地支持他们,但都受到她的力量和智慧的威胁。 Both men took her for granted, and while her first husband was physically abusive, her second, on occasions, was verbally so, which held her back from living her true potential.这两个男人都把她视为理所当然,而她的第一任丈夫身体上受辱,而她的第二任丈夫有时口头上如此,这使她无法发挥自己的真正潜力。

As William Blake states, “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.”正如威廉·布莱克(William Blake)所说:“过度之路通向智慧之宫。” She had lived out this part of herself until it had become untenable.她一直活在自己的这一部分,直到变得难以忍受。 Things came to a head when one day in the group she received some strong feedback from another woman.当小组中的某天,她收到另一位女士的强烈反馈时,事情就开始浮躁。

“我不明白。 You're so inauthentic.你真是天真I don't care about this 'I'm so sexy' thing.我不在乎“我是如此性感”。 You've got a lot going on.你有很多事情要做。 Why won't you let us in?”你为什么不让我们进来?”


She burst into tears, cried for a while, and once she'd let go she let us know some of her struggles.她哭了起来,哭了一会儿,一旦放手,她就让我们知道了她的一些挣扎。 Since she was a child, Denise had trained herself not to show any tears or anger, especially as her mother had suffered from a few breakdowns and she felt responsible for her.自从她还是个孩子以来,丹妮丝就训练自己不要流泪或发怒,尤其是因为她的母亲遭受了几次崩溃,她觉得对她负责。 As the eldest of three children, she'd been the bedrock of her family.作为三个孩子中的老大,她一直是家庭的基石。 What she'd just done was unheard of for her.她刚刚做的事对她来说是闻所未闻的。

Soon after this sharing, her second husband died.分享之后不久,她的第二任丈夫去世了。 She then developed some heart problems and was shaken to the core.然后她出现了一些心脏问题,并被震撼到了核心。 He had been the love of her life, and although he hadn't always treated her well, there had been a real heart connection between them.他一直是她一生的挚爱,尽管他并不总是善待她,但两者之间却有着真正的内心联系。 Although they had split up twelve years earlier, their love had never died.尽管他们早在十二年前就分手了,但他们的爱情从未消失。 On his deathbed, he said, “If I could have changed anything in my marriage, I would have allowed you to be yourself.”他在临终时说:“如果我能改变我的婚姻中的任何事情,我本可以让你成为自己的。” This powerful loss propelled her into showing more of her emotions.这种巨大的损失促使她表现出更多的情绪。


She formed close friendships within the group and engaged with creative pursuits that had always been a part of her life.她在小组内部建立了密切的友谊,并从事创造性的追求,这一直是她生活的一部分。 Once her veils had been removed and her confidence in her achievements grew, she was propelled forward into becoming a professional sculptor.一旦除去了面纱,对成就的信心就增强了,她就被推动成为一名专业雕塑家。

Fascinatingly, her sculptures were all sensual images, and they were beautiful.令人着迷的是,她的雕塑都是感官形象,而且很漂亮。 She had managed to bring her sexuality into a different sphere and to use it in a way that was nourishing for herself and others.她设法将自己的性行为带入另一个领域,并以一种对自己和他人有益的方式加以利用。

Denise learned to respect her vulnerability.丹妮丝学会了尊重她的脆弱性。 Her fear had been that if she showed her weakness she would be rejected.她担心如果她表现出自己的弱点,她会被拒绝。 She had reached her sixties without ever really showing her true depths to another human being.她已经六十多岁了,却从未真正向另一个人展示过自己的真实深度。 She told me: “My heart problems changed the course of my life.”她告诉我:“我的心脏疾病改变了我的生活。”







Write down five of these stories.写下其中的五个故事。 Choose the ones that have the most charge for you, those you respond to with strong emotion or avoidance.选择对您来说收费最高的那些,您以强烈的情感或回避来应对的那些。



Once you have listed everything, choose a different set of beliefs for each challenge.列出所有内容后,为每个挑战选择不同的信念。 Imagine you are a film director.想象你是电影导演。 You are creating a heroic character, a true warrior, and what he understands is that life is not a series of blessings and curses, but a series of challenges.您正在创造一个英雄人物,一个真正的战士,而他所理解的是,生活不是一系列的祝福和诅咒,而是一系列的挑战。 It is our own labels that impact us and act like kryptonite, weakening our self-belief and our capacity to fully live.正是我们自己的标签影响着我们并像k石一样行事,削弱了我们的自信心和我们充分生活的能力。

For example, if you believe your wife or husband doesn't love you, and therefore see yourself in a loveless marriage, notice the ways in which they show their appreciation and their love.例如,如果您认为自己的妻子或丈夫不爱您,因此看到自己陷入无情的婚姻,请注意他们表达出赞赏和爱意的方式。 Keep a keen eye out for that which you ignore and fail to value.留意那些您忽略和无法重视的事物。

If you believe that your work is unsatisfying, make a list of the things that are essential in order for you to live a fulfilled work life, and then examine what it's possible for you to change.如果您认为自己的工作不尽如人意,请列出一些必要的事项,以使您过上充实的工作生活,然后研究您有什么可能改变。 Allow yourself to ruthlessly look the issues straight in the eye, and decide whether you need to start searching for a different place to use your skills.让自己无情地直视问题,并决定是否需要开始寻找其他地方来使用您的技能。


Break the spell of same-old, same-old.打破同样古老的咒语。 Make a pledge with yourself to let in your new set of beliefs, and make them a practice.做出自己的承诺,让您接受新的信念,并将其付诸实践。 Consider what support you need in order to do that.考虑一下您需要什么支持才能做到这一点。

Practice consciousness around your judgements.围绕您的判断练习意识。 Every time you make a judgement about something, be vigilant.每当您对某件事做出判断时,请保持警惕。 Ask yourself whether that judgement is accurate or not.问问自己这个判断是否正确。 Be willing to loosen your tight grip on that belief.愿意放松对这一信念的控制。

For example, you might think, “I'm fat.”例如,您可能会认为“我很胖”。 But但 ,那恭喜你, you fat?你胖? Are you unhealthily overweight?您不健康地超重吗? If so, then are you willing to take on a practice that can change that spell?如果是这样,那么您愿意采取可以改变该咒语的练习吗? Or are you so self-critical that you've bought into the spell of the glamour magazines, of aspiring to the perfect body, knowing that you will never match it, lowering your self-regard in the process?还是您对自己如此挑剔,以至于沉迷于魅力杂志的魅力中,渴望获得完美的身材,却知道自己将永远无法与之匹敌,从而降低了自己的自尊心?

Maybe you tell yourself you're stupid.也许你告诉自己你很愚蠢。 Intelligence manifests in many different ways.情报以多种不同方式体现。 Your IQ may not be in the Mensa range, but you may have a highly sensitive, intuitive knowing.您的智商可能不在Mensa范围内,但是您可能具有高度敏感的直觉知识。 Notice the people who you see as intelligent and recognize that they too have gaps in their wisdom.请注意您所看到的聪明的人,并认识到他们的智慧也存在差距。

Our sense of wellbeing is a barometer as to whether our beliefs are serving us.我们的幸福感是衡量我们的信念是否为我们服务的晴雨表。 We know a spell has been broken when there is a release of energy and a sense of relief and happiness around a particular scenario.我们知道,在特定情况下释放能量,放松和幸福感时,咒语就会被破坏。 Sometimes we may need to remove ourselves from unhealthy situations in the recognition that the essence of who we are doesn't match the environment we've created.有时,我们可能需要从不健康的情况中摆脱出来,认识到我们的本质与我们创造的环境不符。 Each lifetime has many incarnations, and as we go through our experiences, we get to rewrite the script.每个生命都有许多化身,随着我们经历的不断发展,我们可以重写脚本。

©2020 by Malcolm Stern和Ben Craib。 All Rights Reserved.版权所有。
Watkins Media Limited的印记。 www.WatkinsPublishing.com


马尔科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)和本·克赖布(Ben Craib)

用同情心杀死您的龙:即使在马尔科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)和本·克赖布(Ben Craib)认为不可能的情况下,也能成功发展的十种方法Ten key teachings from renowned therapist Malcolm Stern.著名的治疗师马尔科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)的十项重要教导。 The book, which includes many exercises, is the distillation of over thirty years' experience in the therapy room and shows us that meaning can exist even in the worst tragedy.这本书包括许多练习,是对治疗室三十多年经验的总结,向我们展示了即使在最严重的悲剧中,意义也可以存在。 By creating a set of practices and making them central to our lives we can find passion, purpose, and meaningful happiness while navigating life's darkest moments in such a way that we discover the gold hidden within.通过创建一系列实践并将其置于我们生活的中心,我们可以找到激情,目标和有意义的幸福,同时在生活中最黑暗的时刻进行导航,以发现隐藏在其中的黄金。

欲了解更多信息或订购此书, 点击此处详细了解。. (也可以作为Kindle版本和有声读物使用。)

本作者的另一本书: 坠入爱河,相爱


马尔科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern),《同伴杀死你的龙》Malcolm Stern has worked as a group and individual psychotherapist for nearly 30 years.马尔科姆·斯特恩(Malcolm Stern)已作为小组和个人心理治疗师工作了近XNUMX年。 He is co-founder and co-director of Alternatives at St James's Church in London and teaches and runs groups internationally.他是伦敦圣詹姆斯教堂(St James's Church)的另类共同创始人和联合导演,并在国际上教授和管理团体。 His approach involves finding where the heart is and helping individuals access their truth.他的方法包括找到内心的所在,并帮助个人了解自己的真相。 His他的 伦敦一年组 is the centrepiece of his work and has been successfully operating since 1990. In it he creates an environment of trust, integrity and community, where participants can become skilled in relationships, communication and managing difficult conversations.是他工作的核心,自XNUMX年以来一直成功运作。在其中,他创造了一个信任,诚信和社区的环境,参与者可以在此过程中熟练掌握人际关系,沟通和处理困难的对话。 The ultimate learning is to Slay your dragons with compassion.最终的学习是用同情心杀死你的龙。 Visit his website at访问他的网站: MalcolmStern.com/

视频/演示 马尔科姆·斯特恩: “我们正处在进化非凡时期的十字路口……”





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