How many personality traits really matter in the forging of intimacy? After seven years of developing our approach based on couples therapy and research, we have decisively uncovered twleve that vitally affect all romantic relationships, that either make or break intimacy. This precise number is important , and it has been determined both clinically and scientifically. Throughout this book and our professional work, we have affectionately dubbed these traits as the "Big 12".
Therefore, to help familiarize you with the "Big 12" in action and to help you see that these personality traits are unmistakably real — rather than irrelevant constructs — we've created this thought-experiment. Just as the famed mathematician Albert Einstein relied strongly on thought-experiments to highlight his world-changing theories of space, time, and energy, we find that psychological thought-experiments can be highly effective in revealing vital aspects of human personality either overlooked or insufficiently recognized in our busy, day-to- day lives.
THE BIG 12 ON THE LOVE BOAT
So here we go. Imagine that you've been invited to a social gathering at a pleasant hotel conference room. Perhaps six months ago, just for fun, you entered a contest to win a trip. Last week you received notification in the mail from the contest company: Along with nineteen others from your area, you've won two free tickets for a nine-day Caribbean cruise, all expenses paid. The cruise line is well known, and there are no hidden charges. But for promotional and marketing purposes, the company has requested that all winners come to a publicity event where they'll be photographed, interviewed, and given their travel vouchers.
As you enter the conference room, you see a big buffet table filled with catered goodies. Festive balloons are everywhere, and there's up-beat recorded music in the background. A pair of marketing representatives welcomes you at the door. Checking your name on their clipboard roster, they smile, and one explains sheepishly, "We're running a little late. The video team will be here soon, and then we'll immediately start taping. So come in and enjoy yourself — there's a fantastic group of people here for you to meet!"
That's the background. Now, let's focus on the Big 12 and see how they manifest in this social situation. That is, what would you likely experience if everyone in the room — let's leave out the cruise line marketers — were identically high or low with regard to each of the Big 12 traits?
NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP
If your nineteen co-winners ranked high on this trait, many would be accompanied by a friend to this event — and you'd see them milling restlessly in the hotel lobby. Expect nearly everyone to have a romantic partner or to be seeking a committed relationship. Conversations, therefore, would highlight romantic Caribbean "getaways" and "hide-outs" where couples could enjoy a marvelous intimacy without intrusion. Which cruise lines had the most amicable staff and provided the best ambience to form lasting friendships among fellow passengers would be prime topics too.
Beside the buffet table you'd hear people opening up about their personal lives: their families, friends, pets, past experiences, goals, and plans. By the time the videotaping was over, many among the group would have made a new acquaintance and exchanged phone numbers to get together soon. Most would exit the hotel still conversing deeply with one or two others.
However, if your co-winners all ranked low on Need for Companionship, the atmosphere would be decidedly cool. Virtually all would have arrived alone. The majority would be romantically unattached and content to stay that way. Depending on how many were extroverts, their conversations would either be boisterous or quiet — but definitely not soul baring. You'd hear nobody revealing personal matters about family or friends or sharing hopes and dreams. Among the group, there would be no desire to create friendships from this publicity event, and all would leave as alone as they had arrived.
IDEALISM
If the other nineteen winners were all high on Idealism, what could you expect? Many would be employed in such fields as counseling, ecology, education, nursing, or social work. Some might work for nonprofit agencies or own their own businesses, but few would likely to be corporate executives. Related to the upcoming Caribbean cruises, the winners' conversations might center on such topics as the region's environmental problems, poverty and illiteracy, and political corruption. Concerns about low wages and stressful working conditions in the cruise industry might also be addressed.
If the winners all ranked low on this trait, the talk would be very different. Certainly there would be minimal sympathetic interest in ecological problems, illiteracy, poverty, or social injustice in the Caribbean region. Instead of laments about the harsh working conditions faced by low-level cruise employees, there would be plenty of discussion about unreported island and shipboard crime, such as robberies, assaults, and rapes. There would surely be strong interest in how ship guests could best protect themselves from potential assaults and from rip-offs by local merchants and the cruise company itself, with its myriad "hidden" charges. Many among the twenty would enjoy recounting how they had outfoxed those who had tried to cheat them on past cruises and excursions — and especially which travel agencies in town had the worst reputations for "bait-and-switch" vacation package deals and other scams.
EMOTIONAL INTENSITY
If your co-winners all ranked high on this trait, the conference room would resound with strong feelings about nearly everything. When recounting their euphoria upon receiving notification of their award, the winners' joyful shrieks would be heard as far away as the hotel lobby . Jokes among pairs or small groups would provoke unrestrained belly laughs rather than polite titters.
Recollections of unpleasant tourist accommodations would be accompanied by unabashed anger or even tears. And in relating wonderful vacations from the past, faces would beam ecstatically. Almost everyone would be speaking animatedly.
But if your fellow contest winners were all low on Emotional Intensity, the atmosphere would be subdued. Nobody would be expressing much feeling about anything, not even the award notification. You'd certainly hear no raucous laughter, and no hot-tempered or tearful reminiscences. No one would be overtly happy or sad in sharing his or her stories, and no one would be listening empathically. The mood in the room would be as placid as a lake on a balmy summer day.
SPONTANEITY
If your co-winners all rated high on this trait, nearly everyone would arrive late — and a few probably not at all, having either forgotten to mark the event on their calendar or else lost the cruise ship's award-notification letter the night before. Most would be avid travelers, and they'd have lots of colorful stories about times they'd misplaced their luggage, missed their plane or ship, or been forced to take bizarre accommodations because of their last-minute travel decisions. Who had the most offbeat, unconventional, or exotic travel experience would be among the likely conversational topics, as well as which agencies were the most flexible in assisting with spur-of-the-moment touring adventures.
If your nineteen co-winners were all low on Spontaneity, everyone would have arrived early — or at least on time. Many would be carrying guidebooks, notepads, and laptops in order to amass as much information as possible about the itineraries. You'd hear lots of complaints that the cruise company had given only three weeks' advance notice about this event, and everyone would have already finalized their vacation plans for the rest of the year. Conversations would focus on which travel companies provide the best-organized tour packages of European countries (Asia or South America being too unpredictable) and which unfortunately fail to keep to their promised, hour-by-hour itineraries. At precisely the end of the videotaping, all would leave on time.
LIBIDO
In a room filled with nineteen of your fellow winners high on this trait, expect a lot of flirtatiousness and sexy clothing. Low necklines and tight-fitting attire would dominate. Whether originating among those single or married, the conversations would quickly shift to sex, sensual pleasure, and sexual adventures.
Steamy stories would be tossed around the room, and whether embellished or not, they'd evoke similar tales of hot nights spent with strangers encountered on other cruises and at island resorts. Both men and women in the room would exchange names of Caribbean clubs and bars with the best nightlife and pick-up opportunities. Certainly among singles, there would be a lot of touching, deep eye contact, and arrangements made to get together soon. An affair or two might well germinate from this gathering.
With a roomful of people low on Libido, expect the opposite. Conversations might arise about good places for family dining, interesting sporting and gaming events on various islands, and the best bargains for shopping. In fact, almost any topic could arise among the winners — with the exception of sex, sensuality, and sexual adventure. Indeed, many would talk eagerly about the best "family-oriented" resorts and those lamentably catering to the "loose" and "wild" crowd. Its unlikely that any affairs would emerge from this gathering. And now, let's look at a very different trait.
NURTURANCE
If your fellow prizewinners were uniformly high on this trait, all would likely, have dogs or cats at home. Except for those with severe allergies, some would undoubtedly own several pets. Finding a comforting "animal boarding home" during the cruise would therefore be a key conversational topic. And many of the questions directed at the ship's representatives would be about medical care for passengers: Is there a licensed physician aboard at all times? How well stocked is the infirmary? What kinds of arrangements are typically made for those with special dietary requirements, difficulty walking, or other health needs?
However, if your co-winners all ranked low on Nurturance, nobody would be particularly concerned about shipboard medical care. In their strongly held opinion, "People should take care of themselves." And because virtually none would be pet owners, their interest in the best boarding facilities for dogs and cats would be minimal or nonexistent. Indeed. This group would want explicit reassurance that no pets were allowed on board.
MATERIALISM
其别致和时尚的外观，你19共同获奖者将作出自己的唯物主义高。 他们都穿着时髦的服装，并有专业的发型剪纸，妇女将化妆。 你会看到很多昂贵的珠宝，手表和配饰的设计师。 很多人都在豪华轿车抵达。 在这一组中，你听到了热烈的讨论关于豪华客舱套房和昂贵的装饰 - 当然，在哪里能找到的toniest精品店，餐馆，酒吧。 和温泉加勒比地区所提供的。
如果你的共同得主都是唯物主义低，你会看到大家穿着简单的或过时的风格 - 肯定没有抢眼的首饰。 将普通的手提包和公文包。 对话将包括抄底的胜利和在哪里可以找到名牌服装和精品店，大折扣销售去年的样式。 如何保存在邮轮上的钱将是一个最喜欢的话题。
外向性
如果你在一个小时的房间，与十九人，谁都是外向型的高，很多热闹的谈话，谈笑风生，活泼的互动，会很快发生。 在五分钟内，大家随便介绍自己或自己的其他幸运儿。 不久，聚会将得到明显响亮，加入的兴奋和自由流动的社会能量。 三三两两或五小团体迅速形成，有很多讲笑话，raucousness，并交换名片和家里的电话号码。 每个人的面部表情，很容易阅读，一些聚会和日期可能会在第二十计划。 没有人会坐或独自站立。 视频队抵达时，邮轮行营销将不得不喊来使自己听到的噪音水平会如此高。 在一片嘈杂的笑声，笑话，相声，二十世纪的赢家几乎勉强安顿下来手头的业务。
有意义的，对不对？ 现在想象你进入房间充满十九人外向低。 也就是说，他们都是性格内向的人。 几乎没有人会接近任何人作一介绍。 每位获奖者将有可能单独坐下来与食品和饮料，发现整个形势不舒服。 被强迫做一屋子陌生人可能不会作为他们的最糟糕的噩梦率小的谈话，但它肯定会是对他们的事件清单，绝对避免。 在房间内的噪音水平低，即使在十年或十五分钟。 将有没有下面的笑声或相互backslapping，很可能几个获奖者将有离开了房间，打电话到他们的办公室，看报纸，或使用一些其他的借口，行动上他们的不安。 最会静静地沉浸在自己的小册子，并希望整个事情很快就会过去。 第二十之间的联网和热闹的社交将是微乎其微的，并没有群很可能会出现。 面部表情会很难阅读，营销时宣布，视频团队已抵达，每个人都会得到缓解，这种不舒服的经验，终于结束了。 有你相信吗？
唯美
如果你19共同获奖者都是高这一特点，许多人是业余音乐家，艺术家或摄影师，至少有几个这种方式谋生。 组当中，你会发现便携式CD播放机和素描垫，听到谈论加勒比音乐和艺术的丰富 - 在哪里能找到最华丽的新局面，为拍照。 对话也将集中在有趣的艺术画廊，博物馆，音乐厅，和周围的岛屿音乐俱乐部。 毫无疑问我也有游轮的音乐娱乐节目的品种和质量上的热烈讨论。
但如果你的共同得主都是唯美低，你会听到没有这种“附庸风雅”的说法。 相反，经验丰富的岛屿，料斗会怀念和上最好的地方购物，吃或喝交换意见。 和以前访问加勒比地区的艺术画廊，博物馆，音乐表演场地的主题了所有，你只能听到一样，投诉“什么是浪费时间！”我无聊地掉眼泪！“
活动水平
如果你的同胞大赛的获奖者分别为均匀高这一特点，他们一定会寻找适合他们的年龄和修剪。 大多数人从来没有上邮轮之前，避免这种看似懒惰的休假。 邮轮代表他们的问题，因此，将重点放在各种可用的船上活动的：有一个室内田径吗？ 最大池容纳圈游泳吗？ 健身器材什么样的健身中心提供？ 娱乐每天晚上多晚？ 对话将围绕水上运动，如浮潜和岛屿的远足径的机会。
相反，如果你的组包括所有这些活动水平低，少数人会出现运动。 一般来说，你会听到面向客舱舒适性的问题 - 那就是，如何创建一个个人巢搭乘：“家外从家里”尽可能迅速和容易。 没有人会非常关注有关健身中心的最新设备，精确的尺寸最大的游泳池，或马拉松慢跑的机会。 有关这些民间更将机舱内的设计和床上用品，提供额外的毯子和枕头，以及各种饮料，小吃和正餐，服务时间。 躺椅一整天放松和睡眠的舒适性，可能会是另一种对话的主题。
主观幸福感
如果你19共同所有优胜者排名这个特质，你享受一个愉快的下午。 每个人都将是愉快，脾气好，乐观和即将到来的邮轮。 你会听到很多被交换的致意。 微笑将是无处不在。 房间焕发回忆过去的假期，甚至是重大事故，将用幽默的描述。 “在云中的一线希望”将成为主导。
如果你的同胞的获奖者都是主观幸福感，忧虑和悲观低至高无上。 你听到船上的悲惨经历这么多的报告 - 或涉及一般的假期 - 取消你的奖项和少量现金替代现在可能开始似乎唯一明智的决定。 悲惨过去巡航和出访有关的回忆将不仅缺乏谚语一线希望，他们是彻头彻尾的郁闷。 对话将系带挖苦，痛苦和愤怒。 参数和行业的侮辱甚至很可能会出现 - 取决于在房间里的情感强度的程度，这些都可以成为相当加热。 但看看积极的一面：当你在酒店留下这组，你会感觉好极了！
知性主义
如果会议室充满那些高这一特点，你会看到很多人携带报纸，杂志，或书籍。 而这些书，无疑是国际上最新的间谍惊悚片或恐怖小说，大量的阅读材料将包括当前的政治，传记，和未来的发展趋势。 对话会亮粉，先进的词汇，经常提到的作家和思想家，当然，现在在世界上发生的重要事件。
If your group were uniformly low on this trait, anticipate the opposite. Few would carry anything other than a local newspaper as reading matter, and even fewer a nonfiction work or literary novel. While the conversations might cover many subjects, you can be sure that new ideas, history, or emerging social trends would not be among them.
文章来源：
爱兼容性图书：12的人格特质，可以带你到你的知己
爱德华·霍夫曼（Edward Hoffman）博士＆Marcella Bakur Weiner博士.
转载出版者许可， 新世界图书馆。 ©2003. www.newworldlibrary.com
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作者简介
爱德华·霍夫曼博士，在纽约市的持牌心理学家和获奖作者/编者 许多书籍 包括“生日祝福”，开幕内蒙古盖茨。 他讲授自我发展，遍及美国，欧洲，亚洲和南美洲，并已出现在许多电视和广播节目。 霍夫曼博士已经发表的文章，被纽约时报“，”新闻日报“，今日心理学，和路标采访。
韦纳MARCELLA BAKUR，博士，美国心理学协会（APA）的研究员，也是玛利曼在纽约市曼哈顿学院的心理学副教授和总统的梅普尔顿Midwood社区心理卫生中心，治疗中心为社区居民。 之前，她目前的追求，她曾担任高级研究科学家，纽约州心理卫生署在那里，她发表了70篇。 在人际关系实验室培训学院的教员，韦纳博士拥有在美国和海外国家的训练有素的专业人员。 韦纳博士是作者和贡献者 二十多本书籍.
访问他们的网站 www.lovepsychology.net.
